Light my fire(fly)

I wrote this about a month ago, unsure if I wanted to publish it. I think I just needed to get it out there and off my chest tonight:

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It's one of those calm, slightly chilly Summer nights when I can't help but reminisce and wonder what is to come. Well, Mother Earth has played a part in nudging me on this evening.

I was driving home just at the edge of dusk. It's that time of day when you need your headlights to see the road ahead, but the night has not completely washed away the light of the day. I was driving past fields of long grass and corn, probably higher than my waist now, when I noticed that they were covered in a layer of flickering lights. It was breath taking - an almost endless blanket of fireflies extended across the fields. It was almost as if someone had taken the night sky and spread it like a shimmering veil just under my chin as far as the eye could see.

It reminded me of the night she came over to the Farm and first saw how beautiful the fireflies can be here. It can be like someone took the stars out of the night sky and threw them like pixie dust into the trees all around you. I remember her saying, "wow, you weren't exaggerating; there are so many, it's amazing." She did tend to overuse the word amazing, but this time I think it really was the right word.

I guess it was just about one year ago when she so suddenly decided to end it. I don't know if I've ever been caught so off guard.

From the whole experience I've come to realize that caprice may be one of the most hurtful things imaginable. It's one thing when someone decides after careful consideration that you aren't meant to be. In fact, even when someone goes out of their way to hurt you, they are showing they care in a sense. Yes, it's twisted, but they are hurting you because they are already hurting. But when someone decides in the spur of a moment (or "on a whim" in her words) to end it, you know how little you really matter. It's one of those things that hurts so bad, I can't even completely understand it. I can't imagine caring so little about someone to drop them from such a height so carelessly. And after it all, she followed it up by going out of her way to completely remove me from her life. I can almost hear her whispering in my ear, "I couldn't care less if you ceased to exist."

It has made me realize how much I care about so many people in my life. In particular, I care deeply about her and every girl I have had a relationship with. I would do just about anything for any one of you, and I think and pray about each of you more than you might think. And I would sit and talk with you through the night if you wanted or needed it, because once I start caring about someone, I can't stop. And I would never want to.