NIN and I

I read an article today about Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails in which he mentions listening to Sufjan Stevens and Grizzly Bear. Who knew he and I had such similar music tastes? I'm still a little undecided about how much I like Grizzly Bear, but Stevens' Illinoise is one of the best albums I have ever heard.

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes

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Now playing: Sufjan Stevens - Chicago
via FoxyTunes

Confession

I have a confession to make. This is really hard, but...

I'm really starting to dig Taylor Swift. I think this sealed it.

Shhh....don't tell anyone ;-)

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Now playing: John Mayer - Your Body Is a Wonderland
via FoxyTunes

I want to be lucky

Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss

I love this song - it's such a beautiful duet - but I guess I never really listened carefully to this verse with these lyrics until today. Wow! These simple words capture the whole thrill of love so well. Never wanting to say goodbye; wishing every kiss would linger on and on. I want that again. Bad.

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Now playing: Jason Mraz Feat. Colbie Caillat - Lucky
via FoxyTunes

Don't find yourself - define yourself

I don't really buy into the whole "finding myself" thing. It's not that I don't believe in self discovery, but people far too often use that phrase as an excuse for essentially treating people poorly, being selfish, or doing something stupid. I like the concept of "defining myself" much more than "finding myself." What I choose to do and how I choose to treat people is how I am defining myself. So in a sense, when I act self-centered on the grounds that I am finding myself, I am really just defining myself as being self-centered. Think about it - suddenly your choices matter again.

You are who you are, not who you pretend to be.

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If all the things that you are saying love
Were true enough but still
What is all the worrying about
When you can work it out
When you can work it

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Now playing: Dave Matthews - Dodo
via FoxyTunes

The ridiculous

Today, while looking for apartments online and needing a break, I decided to put my income and savings into a mortgage calculator to see how much house I could afford. The calculator said I could afford a half-million dollar house. Then I checked another calculator. Same thing.

This is INSANE. No wonder we are in a financial crisis, driven in part by the housing market. Forget for a minute the fact that my income could not support a house anywhere near that expensive. There are other intangible factors we need to think about. For one, there should be some rule that if you eat cereal for dinner more than 2 times per week, they won't give you a loan for a bicycle, much less a house. Or the fact that I have a ton of apartments to look at tomorrow, so I should not be up writing on my blog.

If I were me, I wouldn't lend myself $50 bucks. Wait, I am me. What? Cogito, ergo sum. Actually, all you really need is sum. But that's for another day.

Humility sideways

Humility, I believe, is an important but very hard to achieve characteristic. Jesus said, "Blessed are the humble, for they shall inherit the earth." In my understanding, humility is not feeling sorry for oneself (which I am at times prone to do), but a realistic perception of oneself, especially relative to others. It is so hard for us to accomplish in part because we have to come to the realization that we are as likely to make mistakes and do wrong as others. I think all too often we have the following sentiment, which we confuse for humility: "well, I know I'm not the kindest person, but I would never do that to someone" or "I'm not the smartest person, but I know I wouldn't do something that stupid." Notice how in our thinking, we have actually made fairly strong absolutes in our mind, using words like "never" or "would not." We are in a sense a priori assuming we could never do something so wrong or silly, but then we try to fake humility by thinking that we aren't totally perfect (just not that imperfect).

But the reason I bring this up is because I find that - and I imagine many others do as well - when I am directly confronted with a misstep or wrong, I tend to be quite defensive or write off what is being said as inaccurate or a rare exception. I have found, as I did this evening, that I am often most reflective and open to humility when someone tells me about how another person has wronged or hurt them. For some reason, I find that I compare myself to the antagonist and realize that I have done similar things. It can at times seem as if someone is describing a reflection of a person, only to look in the mirror and see that person they are describing is you.

But then, maybe I'm just being unfair to myself and beating myself up. But then, maybe that's okay, because it helps to balance out the pedestal we too often put ourselves on.

It it is so cool to listen to a song you love but haven't heard in a long time. It's a small flame rekindled in the soul:
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Now playing: Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds - Crush
via FoxyTunes