These days people often use the word "ambivalent" interchangeably with "indifferent." But I've recently come to learn that a better definition of ambivalent is to feel two opposing or conflicting emotions towards something, or to simultaneously have both positive and negative feelings about something. (And I know I just used a split infinitive, and I don't care - I actually like them sometimes.)
When I learned this new definition, my hair stood up on end, because it seems to perfectly capture my sentiments about so much these days. I see a beautiful sunset and am filled with joy, and yet I am also filled with sadness because I have no one beside me to turn to and share it with. It makes for an incredibly complicated emotional state. To feel so full of life and yet so empty. I don't understand why so much of life is richer when there is someone to share it with, and the closer you are to that person, the richer it is. But I have a hunch we were designed like this: as God put it, "It is not good for the man to be alone."
It's sort of like when you are in a room full of people and feel overwhelming loneliness, or alone in the woods and overflowing with love for people. In the first case, you wonder why you can't be lonely on your own; in the latter, you wonder why there is no one to share all your love with. I even feel this way towards romantic love, eros (the way C.S. Lewis means it, to "be in love", not just sexual love). I am both frightened by it and enraptured by it. I want nothing to do with it and yet desire it intensely. In a word, I am ambivalent towards it, but certainly not indifferent.
Here comes the sun
And the rain
All at once
How it sing
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Now playing: Jason Mraz - Forecast
via FoxyTunes
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