The smile

As I was leaving the grocery store a couple weeks ago, I saw a sweet little old lady who was handing out coupons. As I walked by, my eyes met her eyes, and I gave her the slightest of smiles, a mere upward turn of the corner of my lips. I looked away for a half-second to see where I was going and then looked at her again, and I noticed she was starting to smile a little as well. Encouraged, I broadened my smile. I looked away a second time, and then looked towards her one final time before I passed, showing her a full on smile. As I broadened my smile, she smiled back at me with an expression so full of joy and kindness, I felt like I was walking on air.

I walked away with a big grin on my face, and I couldn't stop smiling afterward for quite some time. Even now, as I think of it, I can't help but smile. I hope my smile did for her what hers did for me. She absolutely made my week.

(This post has been revised to avoid further reader misinterpretation)

Au revoir, Dr. DS

Today I was deeply saddened to learn that Dr. DS had passed away early this morning. Dr. DS was a very special and loved man, who I'm sure will be missed by many. I know my family will sorely miss him, including me.

As my mom put it tonight, Dr. DS was one of my "biggest cheerleaders." I think he sincerely thought more of me than I ever thought of myself. I can still remember how impressed he was that I went to Amherst. While most people back home didn't have the slightest clue about Amherst, including those who thought I was going to community college in a nearby county, Dr. DS seemed to hold my accomplishment in attending and graduating from Amherst in the highest esteem. He would often observe something to others about my talents or intellect when I was home. This was coming from a man whom I was always humbled to be around - a man who had many accomplishments to his name, including a PhD, and the presidency of several colleges to boot. And that dear man always seemed mystified that I didn't have a young lady to bring home.

Dr. DS was a close friend of my grandfather, and thought very dearly of my mother. When I last saw him this past Christmas holiday, he took my mom and I out for lunch at the restaurant at which I used to work. At some point in the trip, I made some error in my manners regarding holding open the door for my mom. He chastised me, but later apologized, and said that he simply couldn't stand to see anyone mistreat her in any way. When I got back to Princeton, I wrote him a short note thanking him for taking us out to lunch and his movie recommendation (Doubt - as a theater man, his tastes for the stage and film were impeccable). He was so proud of my letter that he showed it off to my mom and then, as best I can understand, actually gave the letter to my grandparents.

Dr. DS, you will be missed. I am truly humbled to have had you believe in me, and I thank you. God rest your soul.

Procrastination and iTunes

Psychlist: You should take things slow and methodical.
Me: I totally agree with you. I'm really good at procrastinating, so this way I'm playing to my strength.
...And then I laughed, half at my silly wit, half at the fact that I was trying to legitimize being a goofball - see my September 28 post for more...

On a related note, I recently discovered that, according to iTunes, I Don't Trust Myself (with Loving You) is the most played song in my entire music collection. Psychoanalyze that!

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Now playing: John Mayer - I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)
via FoxyTunes

Hosting

To at least some of my readers, it's no surprise to hear that I grew up in a less than perfect home environment. I'm not going to dive into all the details in this forum (but I'd probably be willing to talk about it in person if you asked), but for the purpose of this post, I want to make the point that my family never had guests over to my house. From a pretty early stage in my childhood (circa mid-80s), we literally never had any guests: no dinner parties, no cocktail hours, nothing. There was one exception - my next door neighbor, with whom I was good friends during high school, would come into one room in the basement, through the basement door, to play video games with me occasionally.

For essentially my entire childhood, I never knew what it was like to host a party or really have friends over. This may sound odd, but just having people into my dorm room when I first started college was sort of a thrill - it was basically the first time I had really had anyone "over". On a side note, my grandparents lived pretty close to me, and they were more than happy to let me bring my friends over for dinner or games or what have you. God bless them! But it was still only an occasional event, and it still wasn't my place, my home.

When I moved to the Farm after college, I finally had a place where I could invite people over, and it was awesome. I had no idea what being a host entailed, or how to do it right, but it really was a thrill. I finally learned that it is incredibly gratifying to open up your home to others, to put their comfort and enjoyment as your primary goal. Needless to say, when my landlord pulled the plug on me having more than a few people over at a time (at no fault of my own), I was seriously disappointed.

All of this really hit me last night, when I had some church friends over to watch the Phillies game. I was filled with this sense of joy and fulfillment at seeing friends having fun in my home, watching my TV, and drinking my beer. I think I finally got what it is to host people - now I understand why people go out of their way to make others comfortable in their home. It reminds me of stories in the Bible when people would wash the feet of guests who had come to their home. There is this deep feeling of love and community in sharing the place you live with others and serving them before yourself.

None of this is to say that I'm a particularly good host, or that I did much more than grab a few beers for people last evening. But it suddenly clicked, and it only took me 27 years.

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Now playing: John Mayer - 3x5
via FoxyTunes

Emma

I finished re-reading Emma tonight. I rank it as my second favorite Jane Austen, next to Pride and Prejudice. It's really quite a shame that she did not live longer - I often find myself wishing there was another novel of hers to read and discover, but I must "settle" for reading her existing works again and again. I'll have to revisit the movie later this week to see how it stands up to a fresh reading of text.

Favorite line this time through:
"If you think me in a way to be happier than I deserve, I am quite of your opinion."

The call of TULIP

I've been having a semi-crisis of faith recently. My church has been doing a series on doubt, which has really gotten me thinking. I've found it on the whole to be quite interesting, honest, and thought provoking. But I feel like there are fairly good answers to most of the difficult questions that have been raised. What keeps me up at night is the question of freewill and predestination. See, I'm starting to think God is a Calvinist, and I am very uncomfortable with that idea. It makes grace so much more amazing, and yet makes God seem fickle and preferential. This would all be so much simpler if St. Paul hadn't gone a written Romans. I'm going to over-simplify this because it's late and I don't even know if I fully understand the problem. I simply don't understand how a loving God could knowingly create condemned people. Maybe I'll just have to talk myself into open theism, an idea that, 2 years ago, I would have told you I would never even seriously consider. We change in ways we can never predict.

By the way, for those of you not familiar with the TULIP acronym, it is often used to summarize the beliefs of five-point Calvinists.
Total Depravity
Unconditional Election
Limited Atonement
Irresistible Grace
Perseverance of the Saints

I'm not even going to try to cover all of my struggles with TULIP here, because on the one hand it's absurd (for instance, what is the point of the Great Commission if there is Irresistible Grace), and yet incredibly logical and Biblical.

Here's to someone digging up Jesus' Systematic Theology somewhere near Bethlehem. In the meantime, I'll just keep slogging it out, even though it's unclear if I'm gaining ground, or losing it.

One more fry

I love that feeling when you get fast food to go, finish all the fries in the little cardboard container, and then find a few precious more scattered about in the bottom of the bag. I always know there will be a couple more fries somewhere in that bag, but I still feel surprised and lucky when I find them.

And yet I know one day I won't find any little greasy potato wonders buried in my bag, and I will be overcome with disappointment.

Blogger complaint

I just realized that when I publish a post that was begun previous to the day published, the date shown is when the post was started, NOT when it was published. This is really annoying! Sometimes I write down ideas, but don't get around to fleshing them out until weeks later. I don't want my post to be lost in the past. Google, you rock, but this is just silly.

The transition has begun

When I moved to Philly, I had half jokingly, half seriously told my friends that I was going to introduce myself to people by my middle name, Heath. Up until the last week, I had pretty much chickened out whenever introducing myself to new people. But as I have become more involved in my new church, I have discovered that there are a lot of Pauls in this church, and everyone is confusing them with one another. This circumstance has provided me with the perfect excuse to ask people to call me Heath! I tried it tonight at my Small Group, and it has already begun to start catching on (except for the one girl who wants to call me Dan?). I'm pretty excited; I just hope I realize that when people say Heath, they are talking to (or about) me :-)

Bikes, coffee shops, and the perfect album

I love biking around the city, and I especially love being able to get around the city faster on my bike than by car. Admittedly, this requires running some red lights, sometimes hopping up curbs, and other slightly illegal things I swore I wouldn't do when I moved to Philly. But it's soooo gratifying to beat cars.

It is unbelievable to me that I can't find a coffee shop in Philly that stays open past 10PM. In a city this large, especially with this many students, you would think late night coffee shops would be all over the place. I mean, Princeton had a coffee shop that stayed open to midnight, and it was sleepy Princeton!

I have recently been giving Kings of Leon another shot, and I've come to realize this go round that Only by the Night is pretty close to a perfect album. I don't mean the perfect album, and I do get sick of Caleb Followill's squealing after a while. But there are some really great songs on this album, and it all fits together so nicely that if feels like a complete package. Not your typical modern record with a couple good songs and a lot of songs that still needed work. Sometimes you just have to give things a second chance.

I think too much

This was pretty funny, especially when I realized that guy is me.

http://xkcd.com/642/

Life lessons: Amazon edition

When you move, make sure to delete your old address from your Amazon account. Otherwise, when in the frenzy of compulsive online shopping, you may inadvertently have something sent to your former address.

This is particularly frustrating when you addictively check your order status and get really excited when you see that it has been delivered, only to be severely disappointed when you realize that it was delivered to a place you no longer live!

New excuse

Because people keep asking me, I've tried to come up with creative and yet more creative responses to the question: "why aren't you dating anyone?" Tonight, I think I came up with a really great answer.

"I'm allergic."

It's like my good friend who is allergic to some fruits so he can't eat them, or my friend who loves guacamole, but can't eat it because she is allergic to avocado. Just because you like a thing doesn't mean you can have it.

(Or maybe they are allergic?)

Breath of fresh air

At my new Small Group this evening, I overheard a (rather cute) young lady saying to another young lady something along the lines of, "...purposeful dating. The idea is that you should be intentional about dating. You don't just do it for fun or to hookup, but in the context of the search for a spouse."

Wow, I was starting to think I was one of the few single people who actually tried to approach dating in this way. I'm not really sure if she was advocating this approach, or simply stating that it is one way of looking at things, but it was refreshing to hear it expressed, nonetheless.

The awesome thing about dating someone with this perspective in my mind is that you know that person would be treating you with respect, love, and seriousness. They would not be dating you purely out of boredom or loneliness or just using you for a season. It means that, if they dated you, they would actually be considering you as a potential spouse. Things would either grow and develop into marriage, or as soon as it became apparent that you were not the one, they would break it. While it could still happen, there would be a concerted effort made on both sides not to use one another, keep one another around till something better comes along, or discard one another as soon as things get serious.

I guess if we were to put this in the golden rule framework, we might say:

"I'm not playing you, so please don't play me."

Note: I realize there is a whole lot underlying this that you may not agree with, such as that dating should always be intentional. I believe it should be, but you don't have to. At the very least, I think it is important that a couple be on the same page. If one person is dating intentionally and the other is just dabbling for fun or because they are lonely, there is bound to be heartbreak.

Never give up

Yesterday I went on my first group ride in several months. I felt good at first, despite the fast early pace. But after about 15 minutes, the cool air started to get to me, and before long I felt like I was breathing through a straw. Even on the downhills, as my heart rate would recover, I could barely catch my breath. I soon found myself dropped and wondering if I was in much worse shape than I had thought (despite my recent climb of the Manayunk . I putted along for a few miles and was considering just turning around, going home, and licking my wounds, when a group of about 10 came by and invited me to jump on the back. I tried my best, but I couldn't really hold on since I couldn't get any air. I was at my max just trying to keep them in sight, often losing 50 yards to them and then catching them at a lucky red light.

I zipped everything up as much as possible to try to warm up my throat and lungs, and very slowly my throat started to open. Finally, about an hour into the ride, I started to feel ok and was able to hang onto the wheels at the back of the group. And I continued to improve. Before much longer, I was feeling almost good. For the last 2o miles of the ride, I was pulling hard, breaking away, covering breaks, bridging gaps, and even led out the final sprint.

The whole experience was quite amazing. The evolution of my "sensations" over the course of the ride covered quite a spectrum, and I was very happy by the end that I had not given up and managed to actually impress myself as to my fitness level.

Interesting side note: this ride is supposedly featured in Bicycling Magazine every year as a top ten US group ride.

Love Math

Loneliness = Love -1

Loneliness + 1 - Love = 0

Loneliness + 1 = Love

Bike commuting in style

Today I biked to work, as I have been most mornings since I moved to Philly. I love not having to drive my car to work, although I must admit some days missing the ability to sing at the top of my lungs during my commute. Nevertheless, today was a bit different. Instead of my typical business (very) casual look of jeans and a polo, I was scheduled to do several in-person interviews with physicians, so I wore a sports jacket, wool dress pants, and my leather soled wingtips. However, I still wanted to bike to work (especially since I was running late). So I rolled up my dress pants half-way up my calf, folded my sports jacket into my laptop bag, threw my helmet on, and off I went. I think I was the most dressed up (and possibly most ridiculous looking) bike commuter in the whole city. To top it off, I discovered that trying to keep your feet on pedals (without clips) when wearing leather soled shoes is a lot more challenging than I had originally thought. But major disaster was averted, helmet hair mostly avoided, and sports jacket wrinkles largely escaped.

Microwave delight!

Tonight, for the first time in almost five years, I was able to successfully cook microwave popcorn. And it was delicious! The past 4 and a half years at the Farm I haven't been able to enjoy the taste of freshly popped popcorn, and it has been sorely missed. For some reason, that ancient microwave we had could not get it right. If you cooked it too short, nothing popped, but if you tried for longer, it all just burnt. Power level did not seem to make a bit of difference. I finally just gave up. But now, I finally have a microwave from this decade (maybe even just my lifetime), and finally once again, within a mere 90 seconds, I can have a bag of steaming popcorn. Mmmm...it's the simple things :-)

Stop worrying!

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
~Matthew 6:34

This verse was the topic of a sermon I heard last weekend. It might be one of the verses I most need to absorb. Worrying about tomorrow really does very little good. This doesn't mean you shouldn't plan for the future, but being anxious about it is not productive, and can very often be destructive. If we are continually worried about what is to come, we miss what is now. And it's not like worrying about the future is going to fix anything. I guess it's one of those things I know, but don't believe. But I'm working on it.

For those who are interested in the more "religious" perspective on this verse, the minister also mentioned that being anxious about the future is actually more than simply counterproductive - it's actually a sin. I'm not sure I'd ever thought about it in quite this way before. His point was that, if we are worried about tomorrow, we are not trusting God. If we do trust God, we will no longer be concerned about the future, because we know that God has a plan for us. After all, we are not in control, and we certainly cannot control what will happen tomorrow. We can perhaps change course, but we cannot control the wind. And changing course is not some undefined action in the future anyway. It's an action in the present.

Seriously?

Sometimes, when people take what I am saying seriously, I have to bite my tongue to avoid laughing out loud. For once I'm not even being self-deprecating. It's really just that funny to me. I might talk a good game (really?), but I actually have no idea what I'm talking about. HOW IS IT NOT OBVIOUS?

Maybe no one has any idea what they are talking about. They don't call me out, either because they are afraid that I do know what I am talking aboutsince they don't know what I am talking about, or they don't call me out because they would appreciate the same favor down the road.

It would actually make for a pretty interesting game theory exercise. What if they said, "you don't know what you are talking about." I could simply reply, "you are only saying that because you don't know what you are talking about." They might shrug their shoulders in defeat. Either that or this line of discussion goes on for a long damn time. "You don't know what you are talking about!" "No, you don't have a frickin' clue what YOU are talking about."